guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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