He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
You're like a human soul vacuum cleaner.
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
