New requirements. My future husband must have a nose ring and wear headbands.
We are no longer friends.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
only you would photoshop your dick
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
Randomize
