My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Ok so I'm not gonna ignore the fact that you had sex on a frat basement floor and spent the last 4 years wondering how you got HPV
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