How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
Randomize
