I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize