i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
Just met a guy who has been in college for 7 years and still classified as a junior. Then watched him shotgun 10 beers. Found my new hero
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
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