note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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