just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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