***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
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