I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
Drunk is a universal language darling
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