I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
I will fight anything that is not spinning right now
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
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