id be glad to
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I love that my family celebrates every holiday with a joint. Chanukah? Mazel-juana! Easter? What's more spring than the color green? Election day? What better way to celebrate democracy in action than medical pot?
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
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