i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Thanks for letting me rent out your vagina rec room. I don't expect the security deposit back.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
I am not working on the very first day I can throw up alcohol that I legally bought and drank.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
