He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
