My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
