I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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