How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
