I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
she sucked my dick to get the taste of the last guy's out. I need to find a new friend with benefits.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
Randomize
