Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
I broke down outside of an all boys correctional facility
well if that's not a gay porn waiting to happen, i dont know what is...
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You're the only one to love me enough for me to admit the following: Rock-bottom sounds like sobbing to a Miley Cyrus song.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
