How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Dude I should have just gone home with the guy with dreads and the cat
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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