I'm eating all of the evidence.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Randomize
