I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
let's skip the party, and just play drunken wii, again. its time to give my vag a break.
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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