Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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