I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
