She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
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