Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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