The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
So not only did team sweden fail to particpate in any drinking game but i also found puke in my viking helmet this morning.
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
