you win again, gameday.
when a 14 year old is judging you, you know you've had too much to drink
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Randomize
