Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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