I just threw up on my dentist
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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