its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
