genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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