I cockslap morals
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Thanks for putting up with my drunk friend last night. Its all fun and games till someone pukes macaroni under your fridge.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
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