why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.
Barney's a jerk
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
