6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
I'm like 80% sure we nearly got arrested because we threw fireworks at a car
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
