If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
