Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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