shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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