omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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