We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Your dick is once again the conversation topic.
I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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