i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
Don't read too much into what I just sent. I love you, always have, but I'm drunk and sorry for the confusion.
Which part? The boyfriend or the sex?
Boyfriend. SEX IS ON!!!
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize