Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
Randomize
