you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
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