dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
