I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Randomize
