just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
You thought last year was bad... a guy dressed as a clown showed up with cocaine
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
Randomize
