Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
