community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
