I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
he fucked my hip out of place.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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