Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Randomize
