Dude i dont know how people can complain that waterboarding is such a bad thing. I just sat through a fucking puddle of mudd show. Now thats torture
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
