I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Randomize
