new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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