oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
It was like what a highfive between zeus and Jesus would sound like
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Fuck off I wasn't that drunk. I was still able to toss froot loops in the air and catch them in my mouth.
And in your bra. It was quite entertaining.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
