Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Randomize
