She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
Randomize
