Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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