I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
For those pictures, I will suffer this headache.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
