you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
