Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
