I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I think I just danced on the bar. With a man named Alabama.
Thank you for turning 21. I'm going to love reading your texts.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
Randomize
