I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
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